Today I m on the train to Perth, on the way to a medical appointment for my daughter. The day started early as I had to drop the hubby off to work, so as to avoid walking to the train station in the rain.
I say today started this morning but, that’s not really the truth. Today’s attitude and mood started several days ago and compounded to the most dreary colour. Truth is, this trip, even though seemingly easy to most, is super stressful and I am even going to keep the details to myself because..... I am far too embarrassed to spill my meagre fears out before you.
Yes basically I have to do some things I usually rely on my husband to do and basically my fear of failing caused me to trantrim like a naughty 7year old. You know how it feels, it’s kind of irrational and all consuming. I tried all the things I could think of to get out of it, firstly procrastination, then panic, then begging, then resorting to being a word that means a female dog. Yes I even slept on the couch, refused to kiss him goodbye and scoffed at him when he said see ya, love you... and why? Am I the only one that acts so childish when afraid?
Deep inside of me I know that its not really a biggie, I know that it will be over really quick and that once I have done it then its a skilled learned, and it wont be an issue next time. All still the strength of my comfort zone awakens the most hideous things inside of me. Where were these things hiding inside there? I despise that person. I want rid of her...
But as I sit here being lulled by the train rocking side to side, sanity slowly settles to an equalibrum.
There’s nothing I can do to avoid my day tomorrow, and in 2 days I will be back on the 600km train trip home. And I will be freer... I would of faced my fears and overcome. Aren’t we ridiculous creatures at times , the things we avoid are often things that make us a stronger more balanced people. No matter how ridiculously small, or how tremendously large... I’m coming to realise , Fear is a thief and a liar , a roaring lion ,most commonly without teeth... And we were all born to conquer.